I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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