I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
