Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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