I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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