Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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