last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Too much gin, very little bucket
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Randomize
