Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
