I got chris browned last night
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
