I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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