We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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