you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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