I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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