i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
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