just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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