Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
