we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
