I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
