Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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