My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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