I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
