Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
