he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
