WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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