she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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