a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
