im about as happy as oj after his trial
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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