Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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