6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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