you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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