okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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