sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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