He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
