i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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