I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
