Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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