let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
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