I could make wine with my vomit
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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