You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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