I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
