I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
