She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
