im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
