it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
