Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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