I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
