the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
