the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
