So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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