So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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