she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
