I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
