so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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