I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
